By normalizing discord in this way, we’re also setting the bar for how our children and teens interact. They might go to school thinking they can bully their peers—in person and online—because they’ve seen adults do it. Bullying of any kind has far-reaching negative implications. Cyberbullying puts both bully and victim at increased risk for depression, anxiety, suicide, and problematic behaviors directed outward (cheating, stealing, arson, etc), according to a 2014 report in Paediatrics & Child Health. A 2015 meta-analysis of studies on bullying in the journal Pediatrics showed that “…bullying in any capacity is associated with suicidal ideation and behavior.” And the negative effects of victimization from bullying don’t end in adolescence: Adults who were bullied in childhood have an increased prevalence of depression and anxiety disorders. If we want to open our minds and listen to others during times of conflict, we need to open our hearts and understand fear and suffering—our own and that of others. Mindfulness, which has been shown to help mental, behavioral, and physical outcomes in both youth and adults, is a powerful tool that can help us respond to conflict in a non-reactive way. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, founder of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), “Mindfulness is awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, to the present moment, non-judgmentally.” With present-moment awareness, we learn to identify our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations without defining ourselves by them. When we can patiently witness our own fears and hurts, we give ourselves the chance to release them, which in turn helps us develop understanding and compassion for others.
10 Steps to Respond with Resilience, Not Reactivity
Follow these ten to respond to conflict with openness and patience. The inspiration behind these steps comes in part from Fleet Maull’s Prison Mindfulness Institute’s Path of Freedom course and Gina Biegel’s Stressed Teens program. Explore these mindfulness tips for reducing reactivity. The most important takeaway is having an outlet to work with strong emotions in the heat of the moment instead of acting on urges that might end up creating or intensifying problems. We use mindful practices to create space between a flash of anger or another strong emotion so that we may have more choice over what to do next — sometimes that just means walking away or taking a pause or deep breath before we speak. As we learn to practice these skills ourselves, we teach our kids how to respond mindfully. Taking these ten mindfulness steps may not guarantee the outcome of a particular argument, but by practicing them regularly, you can build your sense of confidence, well-being, and acceptance of challenging situations. These skills will serve you when you feel angry or divided as well as model resilient and positive examples of conflict resolution for our kids.
